How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A: A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
I know a guy so ugly that when he went to Michael Jackson's house, he had to sleep in his own bed.
A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over by a traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per hour, can I see your driver's license?" "I don't have one," says the woman, "it was revoked for reckless driving." "I see," says the policeman. "Then will you please show me your vehicle registration?" "I don't have that either because the car's not mine," says the woman. "Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman. She answers, "It belongs to the man I killed this morning and chopped up in pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the trunk. I was just going to dispose of him." The policeman, shocked, says, "You just stay where you are, I'm calling reinforcements." Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?" The woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands over her license. "Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the captain, and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him. He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?" "Not at all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in and it's empty. "Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer he told me you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you had stolen the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and loaded him in your trunk!" The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I was speeding, too!"
DISNEY AND VIAGRA Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
A young woman went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?" "Braille," she replied.